A narcissistic personality disorder isn’t the same as self-confidence or being self-absorbed. When someone posts one too many selfies or flex pics on their dating profile or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, we might call them a narcissist.
But a true narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s a mental health condition characterized by:
- an inflated sense of importance
- a deep need for excessive attention and admiration
- lack of empathy for others
- often having troubled relationships
What it boils down to, is selfishness at the (usually extreme) expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all. NPD, like most mental health or personality disorders, isn’t black and white.
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for Narcissist Personal Disorder, but it specifies that someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a narcissist.
9 Official Criteria for NPD
- grandiose sense of self-importance
- preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- The belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- need for excessive admiration
- sense of entitlement
- interpersonally exploitative behavior
- lack of empathy
- envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
That said, knowing the “official” diagnostic criteria doesn’t usually make it easier to spot a narcissist, especially when you’re romantically involved with one. It’s usually not possible to determine if someone has NPD without the diagnosis of a qualified expert.
Plus, when someone is wondering if they’re dating a narcissist, they generally aren’t thinking, “Do they have NPD?” They’re wondering if how they’re being treated is healthy and sustainable in the long run. Please avoid diagnosing your conversation partner. Rather, read on to gain some insight into the health of your relationship.
You’re here because you’re concerned, and that concern is valid if your health is at stake. If you think these signs fit, we’ll also give you tips on how to handle the situation.
They Were Charming at First
It started as a fairy tale. Maybe they texted you constantly, or told you they loved you within the first month, something experts refer to as “love bombing.”
Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you’ve just started seeing each other.
Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special person is the only ones who can appreciate them fully, but as soon as you do something that disappoints them, they could turn on you.
And usually, you’ll have no idea of exactly what you did. How narcissists treat you, or when they turn on you, actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own [beliefs].
If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. Sure, we all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown. If you think it’s too early for them to love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to love you, they probably don’t. People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship.
They hog the Conversation, Talking About how Great They are
Narcissists love to constantly talk about their accomplishments and achievements with grandiose. They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured.
Clinical psychologists add that narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories to gain adoration from others.
Ask yourself: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?
They Feed off Your Compliments
Narcissists may seem like they’re super self-confident. , most people with NPD lack self-esteem.
They need a lot of praise, and if you’re not giving it to them, they’ll fish . That’s why they’re constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are.
Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments.
People-reading tip: Folks who are self-confident won’t solely rely on you, or anyone else, to feel good about themselves.
“The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them and lift themselves only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,
Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.
They Lack Empathy
Lack of empathy, or the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist.
Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood, or accepted because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings.
Translation: They don’t do emotion that belongs to others.
Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or scuffle with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you mad and sad?
This inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, narcissists’ relationships eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.
They Don’t Have any (or Many) Long-Term Friends
Most narcissists won’t have any long-term, real friends. Dig deeper into their connections and you may notice that they only have casual acquaintances, buddies they trash-talk, and nemeses.
As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with yours. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends or berate you for the types of friends you have.
They Pick on you Constantly
Maybe at first, it felt like teasing…. but then it got mean or became constant.
Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them.
They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny. Their goal is to lower other’s self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful.
A warning sign: If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, getaway. A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have.
They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.
They Gaslight you
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality.
Signs of gaslighting include the following:
- You no longer feel like the person you used to be.
- You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
- You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive.
- You feel like everything you do is wrong.
- You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
- You’re apologizing often.
- You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.
- You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
- You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
They Dance Around Defining the Relationship
There are thousands of reasons someone might not want to label your relationship. Maybe they’re polyamorous, you’ve both agreed to a friends-with-benefits situation, or you’re simply keeping it casual.
But if your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms on this list and won’t commit, it’s likely a red flag.
Some narcissists will expect you to treat them like they’re your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional, and sexual benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects who they deem superior.
You may notice that your partner flirts with or looks at others in front of you, your family, or your friends.
If you speak up and own your feelings about their disrespect, they will blame you for causing a fuss, call you crazy, and use it as a further reason not to commit fully to you. If you don’t say a word, [that also gives a] non-spoken message that you don’t deserve to be respected.
If it sounds like a lose-lose situation, that’s because it is. But remember that you deserve someone who is as committed to you as you are to them.
They Think They’re Right About Everything… and Never Apologize
Fighting with a narcissist feels impossible.
There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist because they are always right, they won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.
you may be dating a narcissist if you feel like your partner:
- doesn’t hear you
- won’t understand you
- doesn’t take responsibility for their part in the issue
- doesn’t ever try to compromise
And because they never think they’re wrong, they never apologize. About anything.
This inability to apologize could reveal itself in situations where your partner is obviously at fault, like:
- showing up for a dinner reservation late
- not calling when they said they would
- canceling important plans last minute, like meeting your parents or friends
Good partners can recognize when they’ve done something wrong and apologize for it.
They Panic When you try to Break up with Them
As soon as you back away, a narcissist will try that much harder to keep you in their lives.
At first, they may love-bomb you. They’ll say all the right things to make you think they have changed.
But soon enough, they’ll show you they never actually changed. And because of this, many narcissists find themselves in on-again, off-again romantic relationships until they find someone else to date.
When you Show Them You’re Done, They Lash out
If you insist that you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them.
Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup.
The result? They might bad-mouth you to save face. Or they might start immediately dating someone else to make you feel jealous and help heal their ego. Or they’ll try to steal your friends.
The reason, is because a good reputation means everything to them, and they won’t let anyone or anything interfere with it.
OK, so you’re dating a narcissist… now what?
If you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit.
Being in a relationship with someone who’s always criticizing, belittling, gaslighting, and not committing to you is emotionally exhausting.
You cannot change a person with a narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them.
Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or any area of their lives because nothing is ever special enough for them.
Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves.
Because a narcissist will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls or texts once they’ve fully processed the rejection, it is better to block them to help you stick with your decision.
Resources: www.healthline.com
