Grieving

What is Grief?

Grieving is an emotional concern associated with a person experiencing a significant loss in their life. The loss can include the death of a loved one, being fired from a job, divorce or separation, or any other event that involves a significant change in the person’s life. Grief often occurs when the change has happened suddenly, not allowing the person to mentally and emotionally prepare for the transition, and when the change has happened at a moment in the person’s life where the transition was unexpected. For example, a person may experience more severe grief due to the loss of a loved one who passed suddenly versus when the person was ill and there was time to mentally/emotionally prepare for the death. There are no specific rules, patterns, or expectations when it comes to grief. The one commonality is that everyone experiences grief very differently. Learning about emotions after a loss can help us heal.

When we lose a loved one, the pain we experience can feel unbearable. Understandably, grief is complicated and we sometimes wonder if the pain will ever end. We go through a variety of emotional experiences such as anger, confusion, and sadness.

The 5 Stages of Grief

we go through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Denial

When you first learn of a loss, it’s natural to deny, “This is impossible.” or ”this is not happening to me” You may feel stunned or numb. It is a defense method that the brain creates to be able to deal with loss.

The first stage in this theory, denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with this person the previous week or even the previous day.

Our reality has shifted completely in this moment of loss. It can take our minds some time to adjust to this new reality. We are reflecting on the experiences we have shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person.

This is a lot of information to explore and a lot of painful imagery to process. Denial attempts to slow this process down and take us through it one step at a time, rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.

Denial is not only an attempt to pretend that the loss does not exist. We are also trying to absorb and understand what is happening.

Examples of the Denial Stage

Breakup or divorce: “he/she’s just upset. we will be together tomorrow.”
Job loss: “My boss was mistaken. He’ll call tomorrow to say: I’m sorry. I want you to go back to your job.”
Passing of a friend or family member: “She’s not gone. she’s still alive.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “This isn’t happening to me. The results aren’t right.”

Anger

As reality sets in, you’re faced with the pain of your loss. You may feel disappointed and powerless. These emotions later transform into anger. You might direct it toward other people, for example, the person who passed on, your ex, or your old boss. You may even aim your anger at inanimate objects, a higher power, or life in general.

It is common to experience anger after the loss of a loved one. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and we are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows us an emotional outlet.

Keep in mind that anger does not require us to be very vulnerable. However, it tends to be more socially acceptable than admitting we are scared. Anger allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgment or rejection.

Unfortunately, anger tends to be the first thing we feel when we start to release emotions related to lose. This can leave you feeling isolated in your experience and perceived as unapproachable by others in moments when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance.

Examples of the Anger Stage

Breakup or divorce: “I hate him! He’ll regret leaving me!”
Job loss: “They’re horrible bosses. I hope they fail.”
Death of a loved one: “If she cared for herself more, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “Where is God in this? How dare God to let this happen!”

Bargaining

During this stage, you dwell on what you could’ve done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts are “If only…” and “What if…” You may also try to strike a deal with a higher power, or promise to God.

Bargaining is a line of defense against the emotions of grief. It helps you postpone the sadness, confusion, or hurt.

When coping with loss, it isn’t unusual to feel so desperate that you are willing to do almost anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. Losing a loved one can cause us to consider any way we can avoid the current pain or the pain we are anticipating from loss. There are many ways we may try to bargain.

Bargaining can come in a variety of promises including:

“God, if you can heal this person I will turn my life around.”
“I promise to be better if you will let this person live.”
“I’ll never get angry again if you can stop him/her from dying or leaving me.”

When bargaining starts to take place, we are often directing our requests to a higher power, or something bigger than we are that may be able to influence a different outcome. There is an acute awareness of our humanness in these moments when we realize there is nothing we can do to influence change or a better result.

This feeling of helplessness can cause us to react in protest by bargaining, which gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so out of control. While bargaining we also tend to focus on our personal faults or regrets. We might look back at our interactions with the person we are losing and note all of the times we felt disconnected or may have caused them pain.

It is common to recall times when we may have said things we did not mean, and wish we could go back and behave differently. We also tend to make the drastic assumption that if things had played out differently, we would not be in such an emotionally painful place in our lives.

Examples of the Bargaining Stage

Breakup or divorce: “If only I had spent more time with her, she would have stayed.”
Job loss: “If only I worked more weekends, they would have realized my commitment.”
Death of a loved one: “If only I had called her that night, she wouldn’t be gone.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “If only we had gone to the doctor sooner, we could have stopped this.”

Depression

Whereas anger and bargaining can feel very “active,” depression may feel like a “calm” phase of pain. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely.

Be that as it may, on the off chance that you feel stuck here or can’t move past this phase of misery, talking with a psychological well-being master at Kazmo Brain Center, Frisco can help you work through this period of coping.

During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining no longer feels like an option and we are faced with what is happening.

We start to feel the loss of our loved ones more abundantly. As our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear and the loss feels more present and unavoidable.

In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage of grief, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating.

Examples of the Depression Stage

Breakup or divorce: “Why do I continue my life?”
Job loss: “I don’t have any idea how to go ahead from here”
Death of a loved one: “What am I without her?”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “My entire life arrives at this horrible end.”

Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief. It doesn’t mean you’ve moved past the grief or loss. It does, however, mean that you’ve accepted it, and you’re ready to begin pushing ahead with your life.

When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. However, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation, and we are not struggling to make it something different.

Sadness and regret can still be present in this phase, but the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present.

Examples of the Acceptance Stage

Breakup or divorce: “in the end, this was the right choice for me.”
Job loss: “I’ll be able to find a way forward from here.”
Death of a loved one: “I am so lucky to have had so numerous awesome years with him, and he will consistently be in my recollections.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “I have the opportunity to tie things up and make sure I get to do what I want in these final weeks and months.”

Everyone goes through these stages in their way. You may go back and forth between them, or skip one or more stages altogether. Reminders of your loss, like the anniversary of a death or a familiar song, can trigger the return of grief.

Types of Grief

As we consider the five stages of grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently and you may or may not go through each of these stages, or experience each of them in order. The lines of these stages are often blurred—we may move from one stage to the other and possibly back again before fully moving into a new stage.

In addition, there is no specific time period suggested for any of these stages. Someone may experience the stages fairly quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, where another person may take months or even years to move through to a place of acceptance. Whatever time it takes for you to move through these stages is perfectly normal.

Your pain is unique to you, your relationship to the person you lost is unique, and the emotional processing can feel different to each person. It is acceptable for you to take the time you need and remove any expectation of how you should be performing as you process your grief.

Attachment Theory and Grief

Shock and numbness: Loss in this phase feels impossible to accept. Most closely related to the stage of denial, we are overwhelmed when trying to cope with our emotions.
Yearning and searching: As we process loss in this phase, we may begin to look for comfort to fill the void our loved one has left. We may try to do so by reliving memories through pictures and by looking for signs from the person to feel connected to them. In this phase, we become very preoccupied with the person we have lost.
Despair and disorganization: We may find ourselves questioning and feeling angry in this phase. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we can have a difficult time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a bit aimless in this phase and find that we retreat from others as we process our pain.
Reorganization and recovery: In this phase, we feel more hopeful that our hearts and minds can be restored. A sadness or longing for our loved one doesn’t disappear. However, we move towards healing and reconnecting with others for support, finding small ways to reestablish some normalcy in our daily lives.

What are the Symptoms of Grief?

The symptoms of grief also vary widely. Some people may demonstrate the more classic signs or symptoms, such as sadness, low mood, loss of interest in activities, and frequent crying spells. Other common symptoms include withdrawing from others, refusing to talk about the loss, feelings of guilt or blaming the self for the loss, and anger/irritability. Symptoms like eating disorders, difficulty sleeping, Aches, pains, Insomnia, are common; however, for some people, grief feelings can cause excessive eating and sleeping.

How Long will Grief Take?

There’s no “normal” amount of time to grieve. Your grieving process depends on some things, like your personality, age, beliefs, and support network. The type of loss is also a factor. For example, chances are you’ll grieve longer and harder over the sudden death of a loved one than, say, the end of a romantic relationship.

With time, the sadness eases. You’ll be able to feel happiness and joy along with grief. You’ll be able to return to your daily life.

Do I Need Professional Help?

In some cases, grief doesn’t get better. You may not be able to accept the loss. Doctors call this “complicated grief.” Talk to your doctor if you have any of the following:

Trouble keeping up your daily activities, like going to work
Feelings of depression
Thoughts that life isn’t worth living
Any inability to stop blaming yourself
Neglect of self-care

A therapist can help you explore your feelings. They can also teach you coping skills and help you manage your grief. If you’re depressed, a doctor may be able to prescribe medicines to help you feel better. A therapist can also help you with grief counseling.

Steps to Help you Cope With Grief

When you’re in deep, emotional grief, it can be tempting to try to numb your feelings with drugs, alcohol, food, or even work. But be careful. These are temporary escapes that won’t make you heal faster or feel better in the long run. They can lead to addiction, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or even an emotional breakdown.

Instead, try these things to help you come to terms with your loss and begin to heal:

Give yourself time: Acknowledge your feelings and know that grieving is a process, and accept that grief will pass over time.
Talk to others: Spend time with friends and family. Don’t isolate yourself.
Take care of yourself: Exercise regularly eats well, and get enough sleep to stay healthy and energized.
Return to your hobbies: Get back to the activities that bring you joy.
Join a support group: Speak with others who are also grieving. It can help you feel more connected.

How to Help When Others are Grieving

It can be so difficult to know what to say or do when someone has experienced loss. We do our best to offer comfort, but sometimes our best efforts can feel inadequate and unhelpful.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

Avoid rescuing or fixing. Remember, the person who is grieving does not need to be fixed. In an attempt to be helpful, we may offer uplifting, hopeful comments, or even humor, to try to ease their pain. Although the intention is good, this approach can leave people feeling as if their pain is not seen, heard, or valid.
Don’t force it. We may want so badly to help and for the person to feel better, so we believe that nudging them to talk and process their emotions before they’re truly ready will help them faster. This is not necessarily true, and it can actually be an obstacle to their healing.
Make yourself accessible. Offer space for people to grieve. This lets the person know we’re available when they’re ready. We can invite them to talk with us but remember to provide understanding and validation if they are not ready just yet. Remind them that you’re there and not to hesitate to come to you.

Just Remember…

Grief is a temporary emotion that will pass…

If you decide you need help coping with the feelings and changes, a mental health professional at Kazmo Brain Center is a good resource for vetting your feelings and finding a sense of assurance in these very heavy and weighty emotions.

Request an Appointment at Kazmo Brain Center, and our professional team will be with you and help you to overcome your feelings of grief.

Resources:

healthline.com

webmd.com

www.verywellmind.com